Part 2: Partner Search: Deal Breakers & Red Flags

This is part 2 of my post series on #PartnerSearch . I came across this meme about dating people with red flags. It’s quite relatable.

Here’s a quick recap of where I stopped part 1 (link to part 1 in comments).

If you spot red flags, proceed with caution (and park it for deeper investigation). If you spot deal breakers, drop it right there and move on.

“Deal breakers are behaviors, values, and/or characteristics of a potential long-term partner that you fundamentally disagree with”

DEAL BREAKERS ARE CONVERSATION STOPPERS; NON-NEGOTIABLES.

If you ever decide to go against it because you get carried away in the moment, it is likely that you will end up in a sticky situation.

Here are some potential deal-breakers (remember this is personal to individuals):

· You both are not aligned on what you are looking for (friends / marriage / relationship — monogamous / exclusive vs open)

· Marital status (Never married / Separated / Divorced / Widowed / Married — Yeah, you may be surprised to find married folks on these apps faking their relationship status)

· Emotionally unavailable or commitment-phobic

· Your choice of whether to have kids / no kids does not match the other’s

· Location choices: one of you want to move abroad while the other does not

· You want to work but the guy wants a stay-at-home partner (OR the vice versa)

· Mismatched expectations regd following rituals & customs (In Indian context, this is especially important for girls)

· Disagreement regd your partner’s habits (viz., smoking, drinking frequency)

· Alignment on values (Male-chauvinist / Patriarchal mindset vs feminist mindset — obviously polar opposites)

· Family asking for dowry / “gifts”

· History of being abusive with ex

· Living/not living under the same roof with in-laws

While we may be sure of what is a deal-breaker to us, often times we may be blind to red flags. A third-person is usually better at recognising a red flag in a person you are dating.

“Red flags are behaviors that give you serious pause (or should give you serious pause) — and that could sometimes indicate a larger pattern”

Note that red flags show you the first sign of an underlying pattern. After observing this behavior if you are sure that it is a larger issue, give it a free upgrade to deal-breakers bucket.

Sharing some examples:

Red Flags for Abuse

(Note that if these signs confirm that the person is abusive, this obviously becomes a deal breaker)

• Grown up watching domestic violence (the family may tend to normalise it)
• Acts like a child when hurt (breaking/throwing objects or says mean things to you simply to hurt you)
• Poor anger management (uses force like physically restraining you from leaving the space during an argument)

Red Flags for Control

Again, this could point to emotional abuse

• Dictates what you should wear
• Mistrusting when you are out late without him/her
• Restricts interaction with the opposite gender (I’ve seen this happen when the control-seeker has limited/no friends of the opp gender and hence, doesn’t understand the dynamics)

Red Flags to spot MCPs:

• “Gives you freedom” to dress the way you like
• Agrees that men should “help” women in the kitchen
• Thinks it is justified for the girl’s side to fund the entire wedding
• Asks if you are virgin

Red Flags for Family:

• The guy has brother(s) but no sister(s)
  (Yeah, this may sound like sterotyping, but I’ve seen way too many examples where families with more than one son but no daughter, has been patriarchal)
• The family thinks it was justified for them to pay dowry for their daughter’s wedding
• The family pushes the girl’s side to spend beyond their budget or the bulk of the wedding expenses
• If the prospective mother-in-law / sister-in-law have not had an active career OR if they think working can hamper their household relationships

Red Flags to spot a man-child:

• Someone who doesn’t stand up for oneself for one’s own life choices may not stand by you (Case-in-point: the guy broke up with his ex because his parents didn’t approve)
• Never lived on his own (outside the protected cocoon provided by parents)
• Actively practises weaponised incompetence

Red Flags that can affect the relationship:

• Reluctance to commit — doesn’t acknowledge the relationship / doesn’t introduce you to friends (or family) as a date / partner
• Little tolerance to a different point-of-view
• Lack of acceptance of you — the way you are (eg: body shaming)
• Lack of respect for you as an individual / turns disrespectful when expressing one’s views during an argument
• Poor at communicating (both appreciations and issues)
• History of relationships which didn’t survive more than a few weeks / months (this may not always be the person’s fault but it helps to know what went wrong)

Alright, so how exactly are we supposed to identify The One then? Look for alignment on values (the deal breakers list should help there). It’s a bonus if you are both self-aware and can recognise each other’s love languages. Attach brownie points to green flags. And ofc, when you meet the right person, it is just meant to be :)